Kuroshitsuji Robot Epidemic!
by xXHanamizukiXx
Summary: Based on the Kuroshitsuji User's Guides I've been writing: In a world where your favorite anime character can be delivered and reprogrammed to fit your personality, a strange virus is going around...and it's decimating the fangirl population!
1. Chapter 1

There are obsessions, fetishes, and needs.

These three boil down to basic, raw human desire.

That's a rather simple way of putting it though. You've never truly experienced the flaming passion of a fangirl, or the twisted delight of a fanboy.

And as a representative and mechanic of the now world-famous Anime Unit Company, I can tell you, I've seen it all.

Day in and day out, I lug these robots, manikins of their favorite anime character, reprogram them, fix their malfunctions, get glomped by grateful fangirls and fanboys who then proceed to glomp their unit.

And so life goes on. The phone rings, the equally horrified and delighted screams of fans piercing my eardrums.

"OH MY GOSH, I LOVE MY DROCELL UNIT, IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE HIS CHILDREN?"

"MY ALOIS UNIT JUST GOUGED OUT MY FREAKIN EYE!"

That's lovely. I really needed to know that.

Do they listen to the advice I give them on my User Guides? No.

Which is why I'm currently fixing a MONSTROUS Claude Faustus unit in Spider Demon mode.

And it's _licking_ my face and calling me Ciel. The glowing green clock says 2:36.

I sigh and reach for my phone. The bubbly, cheerful voice of my boss assaults my overly damaged left eardrum.

"OMG, Mizuki! How's the repair going!"

_Lick._

"Wonderful."

"Oh, you sound so enthusiastic sweetie! Listen, tomorrow I need you to go fix another three units, and four deliveries!"

"..."

"Mizuki? Hello?"

"I heard you."

"Oh goodie! They're all Grell units, by the way."

"That's great." (Inner voice: "I'm screwed.")

"Well sweetheart, I need to go! Byes!"

Click.

My life officially sucks. To further underline that point, the malfunctioning Claude unit licks my ear. For the 50th time.

...

The moment I step off the train, I'm surrounded by a group of fangirls.

"OMG MY GRELL UNIT IS ACTING LIKE WILLIAM!"

"MY CIEL UNIT'S ACTING HAPPY! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO ACT HAPPY!"

What the hell is going on? It seems like all of these units are acting out of character. SERIOUSLY out of character.

My boss may be a genius, but her units are dangerous. Once I had to deal with a guy who decided to hire a Grell unit as a bodyguard. Big mistake. He couldn't stop killing and I had to shoot him with a tranquilizer gun, bring him back to headquarters, and work on his programming for 5 weeks.

"Mizuki-chan?" I turn around and see my friend, Kane, with his William T. Spears unit.

"Kane? It's been a while!" Poor guy. He's a spokesperson for the company and always gets mobbed by angry parents, paparazzi, and "concerned citizens" about the safety of our products.

"Listen...I heard about the situation over here and about the Claude unit you were fixing."

I grimace. "Don't remind me."

"The Claude unit has a virus."

"What?" Kane looks sheepish.

"Umm, well, Boss probably didn't mention this to you-"

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT SHE DIDN'T MENTION THIS TO ME!" Kane cringes.

"Well, uh, when she was making the second set of Claude models, she was high-"

"Isn't she always high?"

"Well, this time she was high enough to actually make a deadly virus out of the Claude unit's programming."

"What does it do?"

"It sends the units into out of character mode. The virus turns them into volatile people and they start destroying everything in sight. As far as I know, the virus is only in the Kuroshitsuji series, but if it spreads to other series, like the Katekyo Hitman Reborn or Durarara one..."

Oh my God. "That would be worse than nuclear war."

"Exactly. Unless if you eliminate the Claude unit you fixed yesterday."

"Well, that's easy, I can just go to his owner's house-"

"No can do, Mizuki. He killed her and ran off."

Ah, the short life of an adventurous fangirl. Rest in peace, friend.

"I have his unit I.D. It's number 3583653." Kane grins at me.

"If you have his I.D. that means you can track him down."

I groan. "How the hell am I going to take him down?"

"Use a bazooka?"

"You're an idiot."

And so I head off, already wishing for a lunch break and a bazooka.

NOTE TO MY READERS: This is just an experiment! If you want me to continue, tell me...I personally think there's too much dialogue in this chapter...but eh, it's just a try.


	2. OMG I GET KIDNAPPED BY A GUY NAMED SOFA?

Shibuya, Tokyo.

The bustling crowds of people and their various units walk past me. A _ganguro_ girl with her gaudy makeup and flamboyant Grell unit pauses to ask him a question in rapidfire Japanese; whether she should get a Claude unit.

I hate my boss. I hate that damn Claude unit. And I hate the fact that it's no longer in Shibuya; it's in Ikebukuro.

"I reason...that my master is unhappy?" My customized Drocell unit tilts his head slightly.

"That's an understatement, Drocell." I place the unit tracker back into my bag and grumble quietly to myself, swinging long black hair out of the way. Turning, I bump into someone.

"Gomen-" Holy shit. I crane my head back to look up.

Did I mention I'm 5'6? I mean, I'm not the tallest person on Earth, but I'm usually on eye level with people. This guy was monstrous.

"Miss! Try our Russian sushi now? We no serve humans!"

What the fuck?

"Umm...sorry, not interested." I try to walk away, and my Drocell unit is about to follow me...

A humongous hand clamps down on my shoulder. Oh great. The guy leans down and whispers;

"We have the information you're looking for." What?

"Chotto matte-" The guy wheels me off, into the back of a nearby sushi shop. A Grell unit is standing there and grinning. Behind me, I hear my Drocell unit fidget.

Oh my God. What the hell have I gotten myself into? That Claude unit could be anywhere now!

The Grell unit looks at the Big Guy.

"Is this the girl we're looking for?"

"Yep. She fits the description; black hair and eyes, 5'6, slender, flat-chested-"

"EXCUSE ME?" My face is blazing. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" The Grell unit and Big Guy look at each other and laugh.

"Don't worry miss, we've got you covered!"

_**Thwonk!**_

Ouch. That hurts. Like, really really badly. I have no idea where the hell I am; in the darkness, I check my pockets to see if I still have anything on me.

Nothing. So I sit and hug my knees to my chest.

How the hell could I have gotten myself into that sort of a mess?

"DAMN THAT FREAKIN CLAUDE UNIT!"

"Master!" I gasp.

"Drocell? Where are you?"

"Here." I feel a hand grasp my shoulder.

"Oh thank God, I thought they damaged you!"

"No, they restrained me. I was no match for the Grell unit. I apologize, Master."

"This isn't the time to worry about that. Do you know where they're taking us?"

"A man named Count..."

"Count?" Drocell coughs.

"I reason his full name is Count...Sofa."

"..."

"I'm serious, Master. His name is Sofa."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"MASTER? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Drocell shakes me in concern, but I'm past caring.

"ALRIGHT? I SPENT YESTERDAY FIXING A CLAUDE UNIT THAT KEPT LICKING MY FACE, I GET KIDNAPPED TODAY IN SHIBUYA, AND NOW I FIND OUT THE GUY THAT ABDUCTED ME IS CALLED SOFA? DO YOU THINK I'M ALRIGHT!"

In that weird pitch black darkness, I was having a complete mental breakdown.

...

We sat there quietly; the only thing we could hear now was the roar of an engine. I assumed we were in the back of a truck. Slowly, at the end of that dark space, a slit of light appeared and widened.

"Well, I hope the lass and lad had a nice nap." Weird accent? I was pretty sure the Grell unit wasn't set to that language mode, and the Big Guy was Japanese.

The owner of the voice poked his head in and grinned at us; his brown bangs covering his eyes like a mop.

Drocell pulled me to my feet as the Weird Guy came in, holding two blindfolds. He handed one to Drocell.

"Here, you can do your master, and I'll blindfold you." Gently, Drocell brushes aside my hair and whispers an apology before blindfolding me. I pat his hand to comfort him.

"Alright, careful there." The man leads us out of the truck-I stumble slightly, but Drocell's hand on my shoulder steadies me.

We walk for what seems like an hour. By the time we stop, I feel drained. Once again, Drocell's fingers brush away my hair as he unties my blindfold.

Kane is there.

"WHAT THE HELL? KANE?" My voice is hoarse and crackly, but I no longer give a shit: I'm tired, pissed off, and definitely sure that damn Claude unit is off happily skewering fangirls like shish kabobs. "Don't tell me your new name is _Count Sofa_." I sneer at him.

"Actually, that would be me." I turn my head to the right-and drop my jaw to the floor.

He's dead gorgeous. Tousled blond hair, fine jawline. His piercing black eyes are Asian, yet his skin tone is Caucasian; he's probably a mix.

I feel myself swoon-and mentally slap myself.

"Who are you?" The Hot Guy chuckles, and turns to Kane. "Would you like to explain?" Kane coughs and steps forward.

"Mizuki, this is the main mechanic, like you, of the Manga Model Association."

Oh shit.

The Manga Model Association is the main rival of the Anime Unit Company.

This is bad.


	3. I hear the voices of the Gods of Anime

I'm going to spare you the long dialogue, confusing explanations, and cliché evil comments, like, "I WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD BY SMASHING A HUGE ASS METEOR INTO IT AND STABBING A FLOWER GIRL."

Oh, and the Hot Guy's name isn't Sofa.

It's Sota.

And he and Kane are collaborating to take down MY company, the Anime Unit Company, and replace it with THEIR company, the Manga Model Association.

With the help of yours truly, Mizuki Sakuya.

And OF COURSE I said, "HELL NO!"

Which is why my poor Drocell unit is now being sent back to Headquarters with a ransom note.

It's also the reason why I'm stuck in a basement.

With the malfunctioning Claude unit and a delusional Sebastian unit.

_Lick._

Yes. The Claude unit is still licking me.

...

The whole set-up was like this: there WAS no virus. Kane had deliberately messed around with the Claude unit, stole MY blueprints, and delivered them to Sota. Sota then figured out how to set all units to OOC mode temporarily, just long enough for me to get my stupid, unsuspecting ass out there.

...

"Yes, my Lord."

"Sebastian, you have said that for the 257th time. To a dripping pipe."

"Yes, my Lord."

(Inner Voice: Will someone insert a facepalm in here? Thank you.)

So now I'm here, sitting with a Claude that keeps licking my face, and a Sebastian unit that talks to dripping pipes and believes that they're Ciel.

Why did I choose to be a pessimistic misanthrope and not a optimistic fangirl who sees the yaoi-ness in EVERY situation?

Dear god. I wonder how the outside world is doing. Perhaps they really made a virus to terrorize my boss and the units are going berserk. I can just imagine it:

_The world outside is full of chaos. Everywhere, fangirls clutch frantically to their units and scream as they explode into a thousand fleshy blazing bits. Over the roar of fire and the crashing of falling buildings, the devastated remains of the fangirl population pray to the cruel, unmerciful Gods of Anime._

_Yes, readers, fangirls are polythestic._

_"IF WE ARE GOING DOWN, WE SHALL GO DOWN IN STYLE!" A Bleach fangirl screamed as she impaled herself onto her Ichigo unit's Zangetsu accessory (very sharp, caution)._

_Millions of infected Grell units stream down the highways, forming into conga lines and kicking their high-heeled boots into the air as William units pirouette in violent pink tutus behind them. Sebastian and Ciel units start numerous violin recitals, specifically designed to honor the slow death of a cat. Their screeching symphonies cause the remaining fangirls and boys to jump off buildings._

_Thus, the world of fangirlism and fanboyism comes to a dramatic, terrible end. Millions perish. Billions change their sexuality. Trillions swear off the color pink, even for breast cancer support._

_The day quietly ends._

Yeah. I'm having another mental breakdown. I seem to be getting a lot of these lately.

The Sebastian unit decides to finally rip off his socks and hand them to the dripping pipe he calls Ciel.

The Claude unit is asleep and drooling in my lap.

And my dear Drocell unit is either infected, disassembled, or worried to the point that his hair is white.

...

So dark...I have no idea where the hell am I...Boss's office? Impossible...can't happen...stuck in damp smelly basement with Claude and Sebastian unit that likes talking to pipes...

Must...not...sleep...

My eyelids shut involuntarily.

...

"Well, looks like someone is awake."

"She drools."

"I think it's super uber kawaii!"

"You...who gave you sugar? You're hyper again."

_**Who the hell are these people? Where are these voices coming from?**_

"Oh dear, she really has no idea what's going on, does she?"

"Dearie, you don't need to know who we are specifically. What you do need to know is-"

"WE ARE THE FOUR GODS OF ANIME!"

"...Yeah. That."

_**Ok. I'm delusional. That damn Sebastian virus has corrupted my poor mind, which is already partially destroyed from two major breakdowns in one day.**_

"Why is she so skeptical?"

"Dunno, maybe she's abnormal. She sure doesn't fit in the world of FANGIRLISM."

"She's cooler than your face, old man!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU GODDAMN LITTLE GIRL!"

_**So I'm here with four voices that are bodiless and talking to me?**_

"Alright, let's get to the point. You are the savior of the world of FAN_**GIRL**_ISM."

"And FAN_**BOYI**_SM!"

"Yes, that too."

"And FAN_**IT**_SM!"

"What?"

"Never mind."

_**They're making me sound like Moses. Since when did I become a religious figure?**_

"You must find-"

"A magical girl anime series unit! Like SAILOR MOON!"

"No-"

"A KICKASS BUFF GUY LIKE MAJOR ARMSTRONG FROM FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST!"

"WILL YOU TWO LET ME FINISH! Jeez. You must discover your true self, Mizuki."

_**This is soooooo cliché, I could puke. What do they expect me to do, dress up like the Powerpuff Girls and say, "I will fight EVIL! And then go home for dinner and ice cream."**_

"Inside you is your inner fangirl."

"I'll give you a BIIIIIIIIG hint. Have you EVER seen your boss? Like, in person?"

_**Now why would I want to do that? She gives me enough grief over the phone, I can't imagine what that woman can do to me face to face.**_

"Aww, she's still such a skeptic."

"Balance, Mizuki. You must balance."

"You must be imitating my yoga teacher. Great stuff she teaches, that woman."

"Didn't I tell the two of you to shut up before? Anyway, we are leaving you Mizuki. The world of FAN_**GIRL**_ISM-"

"FAN_**BOYI**_SM!"

"FAN_**ITI**_SM!"

"-Rests in your hands."

_**Great. Now how the hell do I get out of this place?**_

"Follow the yellow brick road!"

_**You have got to be kidding me.**_


	4. Mizuki is who?

There wasn't a yellow brick road to follow, of course.

When I woke up, I found myself in a VERY uncomfortable position.

The Claude unit was pinning me to the wall and hissing something about "Ciel", "Food", and the worst thing; "Dessert".

Holy shit.

The Claude unit leans closer.

And is whacked on the head with a dripping pipe by the delusional Sebastian unit.

"HANDS OFF MY MASTER!" The Sebastian unit hollers.

"HANDS OFF MY DESSERT!" Claude snarls and flings him across the room. The ends of their tailcoats swish around as they tumble to the ground and start a toe- wrestling competition.

That's going to keep them occupied for a while. I look at the room for any possible means of escape whatsoever.

Wait. There's a Wizard of Oz poster on the ceiling. Right next to an air vent.

Score: Mizuki one, Sota and Kane zero.

I scramble up into the dusty vent by means of a creaky ladder. The two units are still fiercely competing in their toe-wrestling championship, so I leave them to it and pray silently that the delusional Sebastian unit wins.

The vent is practically clogged with dust and god-knows-what. I'm going to look like a fluffy gray monster by the time I get out.

This is going to take a while.

Wait. There's a tiny crack of light up ahead. Frantic, I crawl as fast as I can without bumping my head.

Someone is peering into the vent. Bright orange hair?

"DROCELL?" I shriek and choke at the same time on miniature dust clouds.

"Master!" He reaches into the vent, regardless of my fluffy gray state, and hauls me out. I swear, if I were to find my inner fangirl, that "inner fangirl" would have been dedicated to this darling puppet.

"You look like a stuffed animal." He laughs and helps me brush off the vast quantities of dust.

"That vent is filthy."

"I reason they haven't used it for a long time, Master. But that doesn't matter right now, I'm glad you're safe." Suddenly, he gives me a hug. It's uncharacteristic of him to do so, but I'm slightly pleased.

"Drocell, how did you get back? I thought they re-programmed you to go back to Headquarters."

"That's a long story, Mizuki." What is up with him? He's not acting normal...first hugging me and then calling me by my first name. Not that I don't like it.

"The thing is, there is a virus going around. It's not a virus that makes us go OOC. It is a virus that allows us to reject our personality programming."

"Basically...it means we've gained the ability to think and do what _we_ want to do, in addition to having feelings."

Oh my God.

"Drocell, who created the virus?"

"Your Boss did."

That woman is really in for it.

"Come on Drocell, we have to go Headquarters. And one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Don't ever call me Master again. It's Mizuki." He smiles.

"As you wish."

...

From above, Kane and Sota look down at the two specks; one orange, one black. Kane turns to Sota.

"You're just going to let her go?" Sota chuckles.

"She's a very interesting woman. I can't wait until we see her elusive boss."

...

The flight back to Headquarters took us about 12 hours or so. During the entire time, I was fuming about my situation and wondering how I was going to interact with Drocell now that he was "infected".

_The virus made them human. Made them equal. Allowed them to finally open the closed hearts that YOU gave them._

"Drocell?"

"What is it, Mizuki?" He opens his violet eyes and looks at me.

"Do you feel...different?"

"Yes...I do feel different. I feel overjoyed that I can now choose what I want to do." I hesitate.

"If there was anything I made you do before that you didn't like...I'm sorry." His eyes widen.

"Don't say that! I was happy to follow you...I mean..." He blushes, and I turn away and smile.

He's so cute when he does that.

Wait. Did I just think that?

Or was that my inner fangirl?

...

Headquarters was the same as usual; a huge white blocky mess of stone and high iron gates. I swipe in my card (which Drocell had managed to pocket for me) and walk in.

We step in the elevator, and the familiar, cool female voice greets us;

"Hello, Drocell Cains I.D. 17349373 and Mizuki Sakuya. What floor would you like to go to?"

"68th."

"Access...allowed." Drocell and I stare at each other.

"Well, that was a first." Drocell sighs and leans against the wall.

...

The boss's office is a colorful explosion. In cases, there are early models. Blueprints are framed and hung on the yellow walls.

There is no one there. Instead, a laptop is on the large mahogany desk that occupies half the room. As we approach it, words begin to appear on the screen:

"Hello, Mizuki. Hello Drocell. I apologize for not greeting you in person, but you see, that would technically be impossible."

"Since I am Mizuki."

"WHAT?"

"WHAT?" The two of us shriek simultaneously. "THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" I back away, horrified. The screen continues to type:

"It is. You've just never noticed it. That you call yourself. And the voice on the other side is so bubbly, so FANGIRLISH. Haven't you noticed that you feel like you've disappeared for a long time? I think Drocell can say that too."

I look at Drocell. He nods and whispers, "Sometimes you leave the house...and then you come back and act like you've never been away."

"So I'm suffering from split-personality disorder?" My voice goes up by several decibels. "Give me a break!"

The screen glows. "You are the one who created this company. The one who created that virus. And now it's your turn to stop the Manga Model Association."

My voice is crackly. "What are they planning to do?"

"You know by experience how powerful the units can be. They're planning to make the units control their masters. Which means that they will control the world."

This...is incredibly lame.

But maybe it is possible. I never realized that the voice could have been me. That bubbly, enthusiastic cheerful voice.

What happened to it? What caused me to suppress my inner fangirl?

(FLASHBACK: HIGH SCHOOL)

It's normal. Plastics with their colorful nail polish and bright high heels strut by. In the back of that showy cafeteria, a girl is getting her heart broken.

"I'm sorry...but you're just too fanatical, Mizuki. It's over."

(FLASHBACK ENDS)

Ouch. Now I remember.


	5. FANGIRLS SHALL UNITE!

So now I know. That the boss and I are the same person.

Two personalities, one body. I mean, most people get over a rejection. What made me the one out of billions to split into two?

But there's time later for wondering about that. Right now, I have three options, a) run away with my Drocell unit, b) turn myself over to the psychiatric unit, c) call on all fangirls around the world to congregate and spead the self-awareness virus that Drocell has to the units.

Option C sounds good. REALLY good.

I sit down on the very modern and uncomfortable chair behind the large desk.

"Drocell, I need you to do me a favor." He snaps to attention.

"Anything, Mizuki."

"I need you to spread the virus to other units. It's physical, right?"

"Just a tap on the shoulder will do it."

"Great. How many units do we currently have in the facility?"

"We currently have 45788 Ciel units, 578604 Grell units, 183432 Claude units, 28342004 Sebastian units, and a multitude of minor characters. Not including the vast quantities of other anime units besides the Kuroshitsuji series."

"Alright. Get ready to spread the virus globally. It's the only way to counteract Kane and Sota's personality programming."

"Roger that. And Mizuki?"

"Yes?"

"Please be careful." Drocell casts me a concerned glance as he steps into the elevator. I stare at the dark grain of the mahogany desk.

"Don't worry. I'm not Mizuki Sakuya for nothing."

I'm going to kick major ass.

With the help of the universe's most dangerous, craziest weapon.

...  
In Shibuya, Tokyo, the glowing screens high above the square turn black. A single line of kanji scrolls across the screen, and a booming voice declares a cryptic message in Japanese.

Hong Kong: In Cantonese, people begin to cheer and scream as they frantically text their friends the news.

Sydney, Australia: "HOLY SHIT, WE'RE BACK IN COMMISSION!" A massive group of people and their units immediately hop into taxis, buses, private jets, and boats.

Times Square, New York: The time is 8:45. The flowing crowds of people stop and stare. On the massive plasma are two words.

**FANGIRLS UNITE.**

...

I close my eyes, lean back, and smile.

"Damn...this chair sucks. It feels like I'm leaning against a bed of rocks." I reach for the remote and turn on the TV.

The reporter is a blonde, in her forties, but definitely a fangirl. She has a "Team Jacob" t-shirt on.

"BREAKING NEWS. Around the world, fangirls, fanboys, and even _fanits_ are swarming to the Anime Unit's Headquarters. The airports and harbors are clogged, INFESTED with these fanatics. Perhaps the elusive, mysterious CEO of the Anime Unit Company has summoned her minions? What will happen? We are currently on standby for more news, this is brought to you by Jamie Stilkes. Back to you, Sarah."

I grin.

Suck that, Kane. The same goes for you, Sota.

...

"Sota. The personality programming has been rejected by all units we've been testing on-" The nervous technician dodges a mug thrown at his head.

"DAMN THAT WOMAN!" Sota slams his hands on his desk and glares at Kane.

"Why didn't you stop her?" Kane snorts.

"You were the one who let her go. Besides, we still have no idea what she may do next."

"Why can't we predict that?" Sota glares at him. "I'm sure she's going to gather those rabid fangirls and go to the head of the United Nations and petition for 'fangirl freedom'."

"She's a fangirl herself. They're unpredictable creatures."

"You're freaking right about that, Kane."

...

About 98% of the world's population was standing at the doorstep of the Anime Unit Company's Headquarters. I tremble and hesitate.

"I don't know if I can do this, Drocell." I whisper. He looks at me with piercing violet eyes.

"Mizuki, you can. Because that's the person I know you are; confident, cheerful, strong-"

"That's everything I'm not."

"Everything you were before, and will be." He squeezes my hand. "You aren't alone. You never will be."

"Drocell-"

"Go, they're waiting!" I step out into the sunlight.

(FLASHBACK)

"I'm so MAD! Oh my GOD, how could he just dump me like that? Like, I know that I'm a fangirl, but that totally wasn't necessary." I threw my pillow at the wall. "Why aren't there any RELIABLE guys out there? Guys that will listen to you and...and understand your fangirl needs!"

I clawed at a poster of Zero Kiryuu from Vampire Knight, and shoved it in my teddy bear's face. "Guys like him!"

I sat down on my bed and flopped over. "I should create a guy that's like that. Maybe somewhere in the world, a fangirl is crying because her heart is broken. Fangirls have so much love to give."

(FLASHBACK ENDS)

That was who I was. But ever since I started that company, my heart closed. Eventually my mind closed.

I forgot myself. I forgot how to love. I forgot how to find the silver lining in every dark cloud.

How could I have forgotten?

Perhaps that virus I created is contagious to humans. Because I can feel again. And I know this time, I'm not going down in history without a good fight.

That is who I am.

"My name is Mizuki Sakuya. I thank you all for coming here today." The megaphone is clear and loud; twenty different languages streaming from it.

"Today, we fangirls, fanboys, and fanits unite. Because we are here to destroy the skeptical, the power-hungry, the greedy bastards who take advantage of us again and again."

"I ask of you; walk with me! Fight with me! Because today...today will be the end of the Manga Model Association! ARE YOU WITH ME!"

The answer came back in twenty different languages.

**"YES!"**

That was it. I've officially declared nuclear war.


	6. The Grand Finale

"Alright, attention! All Sebastian and Claude units will remain in the back and throw their silverware; Ciel and Alois units will help restock their ammunition! I want alll William units set to girly mode NOW and given their silver clipper thingies! Whatever the hell those things are. All Grell units with their chainsaw accessories will be placed in the FRONT!" Drocell places a hand on my shoulder.

"The rest of the other anime units are on standby. We're ready to go. And my fellow units are going to be converting the fallen into puppets." I grin in delight.

"Sota and Kane will never guess; they're too busy figuring out what we're going to do, they won't think of even turning on the TV. Besides, we did cut off their signal and phone lines."

...

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS GOING ON?" Sota throws a laptop across the room, smashing into billions of green and silver bits. Kane sighs and places his fingers on the side of his forehead.

Typical fanatics. They ARE unpredictable, it's in their genetic makeup. The fangirl/boy/it chromosome.

BANG.

"Ok...what the hell was that?" Sota strides over to the window; and drops his jaw.

Billions of fangirls, fanboys, and fanits are streaming into the Manga Model Association's facility. Grell units bash their over-enthusiastic chainsaws again and again into the iron gates, which fall over with a gigantic, dust-cloud raising CLANG.

"Holy SHIT." Kane backs away from the window. Sota turns to look at him.

"Where are you going?"

"I believe the term, my good man, is "making my escape." I suggest you do so as well." Sota turns back to the window as Kane flees the room.

"This is madness."

...

**"YOU READY? FANGIRLS, FANBOYS, FANITS! ARE YOU FREAKIN READY TO START THE RIOT OF THIS CENTURY?" **My megaphone is cracked by now, but that just makes it look more awesome.

**"FUCK YEAH!" **The crowd roars back in a billion tongues.

**"THEN LET'S GO KICK SOME ASS!" **A mass of millions charge the Headquarters, Sebastian and Claude units sending their ultra-sparkly silverware flying.

There are times when you're witnessing something spectacular and extremely bad ass, and your mind just happens to have the right song for it.

_ROAR OUT LOUDER!  
__Mukuchi na yousei wa soko ni iru.__ To atone you must gather the shards of a broken love._

The Grell units grin, twirl their chainsaws, and break the concrete. Cracks spread and the walls tumble down in a matter of minutes.

_AH asahi wa noboru. __The sun rises above the horizon, yeah!  
__BIRU no tanima. __You can see it in the gap between the buildings!  
__Ima shinjireba kawaru no sa muimi ja nai ano ashita. __As long as you believe in it now,tomorrow won't be completely useless._

This is actually coming true. As the Manga Model Association workers flee from the vicinity, the William uits chase after them and stuff them in humiliating pink tutus.

I guess my mental breakdown in the basement was pretty accurate.

_Oretachi ni wa mieteru mono ga aru kitto. There's surely something only we can see.  
Dare ni mo ubawarenai mono muimi ja nai ano ito ga. Something worthwhile nobody can take from us._

Where is that son of bitch, Sota? As if on cue, he shows up, hands in the air.

"Ok, ok, I surrender." I cross my arms and sneer.

"You think it's going to be that easy?" The demolition of the Headquarters halts and the units and fangirls turn to look at us. "You might have paid for the kidnapping and the torture-"

"Putting you with a malfunctioning Claude unit and delusional Sebastian unit in a basement for 5 hours is considered torture?"

"Have you ever had Claude lick you repeatedly?"

"...Point taken. But what else would you want to take revenge for? I'm destitute." I glare at him.

"For rejecting me." A gasp rises from the crowd. Behind me, I can clearly hear _my_ Drocell say;

"WHAT? Was he out of his mind?" Sota stares at me blankly.

"What? When did I do that?"

"In high school."

"In high school-oh my God. You...I...THAT WAS YOU?" I nod.

"Yes, that bubbly fangirl was me. And I want payback."

I had three choices: a) bitch slap him, b) scream at him and publicly humilate him, or c) drag him down to the basement, where the malfunctioning Claude unit and the delusional Sebastian unit were supposedly still waiting for their "master".

I did neither.

I kicked Sota in the balls so hard I was positive he would never have a direct descendant.

"OH MY GOD!" He keeled over, screeching.

"Yeah, that fangirl was me," I said with relish. "And she just wanted to do that."

...

_2 years later:_

"Mizuki!" I turn around and is immediately enveloped in a pair of arms.

"Drocell? What's with the random glomping?"

"What? I can't hug my beautiful marionette?" I twist my head at an impossible angle and grin at him.

Yeah, I've been "puppet-fied." I'm actually enjoying it.

Sota, after being near-castrated by yours truly, left for Tibet. I believe he has taken the vow of chastity (not that he needs to) and is now seeking holy attainment in some mountainous monastery.

Kane was caught. And subsequently imprisoned in the basement with the delusional Sebastian and malfunctioning Claude, who to this day is still licking people.

By the way, Sebastian won the toe-wrestling competition.

My fangirl/boy/it army disbanded and went back to their various cities. Their units are extremely delighted with their new free will and are sending numerous letters with suggestions back to the Anime Unit Company.

And what about me? Mizuki Sakuya, famous CEO of the Anime Unit Company?

Out of that chaos, that catharsis, that insane episode came this...revelation.

That it didn't matter who I was.

What mattered was that I loved someone, and that someone loved me for who I was.

And I want all fangirls, fanboys, and fanits to know.

Be yourself.

And never, ever, purchase a Claude unit that likes licking people.

Never.

...

Kane huddled in a corner. The Claude unit walked closer.

"Foooooood."

"HOLY SHIT I'M NOT YOUR FOOD-" The Claude unit pinned him to the wall and started licking.

"EWWWW! GODDAMNIT, I WILL _**NOT**_ TURN GAY!"

Behind the two, Sebastian was busy making out with the dripping pipe he so dearly called, "Ciel."

...

xXHanamizukiXx: WOW, that finally ended! Suggestions for other stories and owner's guides are welcome! Mucho love to Anita for taking time off studying to read; she has a looooot more tests than I do this week.

Thank you all!


	7. SPECIAL: Kuroshitsuji Fangirl Guide

Ok, I know some people have been asking for a sequel to Kuroshitsuji Robot Epidemic! BUT since midterms are taking me by the throat and strangling the heck out of me, I really will have to postpone a possible sequel _for now_. Suggestions, of course, are still welcome.

This is just something I thought Mizuki would write shortly after the demolition of the Manga Model Association's Headquarters.

...

Kuroshitsuji Fangirl /boy/it Guide: How to attain the true Kuroshitsuji fangirl inside YOU.

We all love Kuroshitsuji, with its fantastic art, the gorgeous, realistic, and yet surreal characters, and the blurry border between pure genius and pure insanity.

Inside each of you, there is an inner fangirl/boy/it . And I'm here to help you reach your Kuroshitsuji fangirl/boy/it.

Ok...I know I'm sounding like a yoga teacher. Let's get to the requirements: the Ten Commandments of Kuroshitsuji-ism.

Yeah, it's now a religion. I have made it official.

1) You must be as delusional as the Sebastian unit. An insanity meter has been provided.

2) You must enjoy looking at gender-confused redheads in church boy outfits.

3) You also must enjoy looking at the same redhead in fishnets.

4) Do not question why the butler throws shiny forks and knifes.

5) Every morning you wake up, you must sing the Kuroshitsuji anthem:

_"SHOTAS WITH PROBLEMS I LOVE_

_ANGELA OFF A CLIFF I WOULD LIKE TO SHOVE_

_SEBASTIAN IS SO HOT_

_CLAUDE IS LIKE, TOTALLY NOT."_

I know...it sucks. But do not question the almighty song composer, a first-edition Grell unit.

6) You must remember all the desserts they show in the anime episodes. There's always going to be a dessert.

7) When you see Twilight fans, you must confuse them by saying, "TEAM (insert name of favorite Kuroshitsuji character) It matters not whether you are a Twilight fan too; this is required of you.

8) You must never criticize Ciel's violin playing.

9) You must abstain from consorting with a Claude that will lick you. It will drag you past the deepest levels of hell into Claude-Land. You will never see Earth and sanity again.

10) You must adore yaoi. This is the greatest necessity in the world of FANGIRL/BOY/IT ISM

If all goes well, and you refrain from breaking any of the "must not" commandments, you will show symptoms of becoming a diehard Kuroshitsuji fangirl/boy/it:

1) Every morning, you really will sing that absolutely riduculous song that is an insult to music. And our ears.

2) If your friends say something perverted, instead of going; "THAT'S WHAT HE/SHE SAID!", you will say; "THAT'S WHAT GRELL SAID!".

3) During Halloween, you will take the opportunity to dress up as a demented little boy or sexy butler. Provided that you can pull the masculine sexy look off.

4) Everytime you go shopping in the frozen desserts section and you see a dessert that has been featured on Kuroshitsuji, you will scream; "OH MY FUCKIN GOD THAT WAS ON KURO!" and everyone in the vicinity will back away from the madwoman/madman. And then call the nearest psychiatric hospital.

5) If you manage to encounter the scary Claude unit, you will immediately scream something like; "HOLY ALOIS ON A LEMON MERINGUE PIE!" and run like a crazy bastard.

6) You will patiently go shopping and barhopping with Grell.

7) When in an Undertaker's company, you will glomp him and then subsequently peek under his bangs for a glimpse of those "gorgeous eyes". If you've forgotten, he has quite nice eyes.

8) You will review and read this guide for a Grell-shaped cookie which is inedible but quite nice to look at.

I wish you good luck on finding your inner Kuroshitsuji fangirl/boy/it. Perhaps you will finally get a job and save money for a Kuroshitsuji unit even though it will leave you a hobo.


End file.
